S.T.E.E.R
Conversations Don't have to be confrontational
S.T.E.E.R The Conversation
The S.T.E.E.R Process
Most objections to Christianity are vague at first. For example, a non-believer might say:
“I don’t believe in God because of all the evil in the world.”
That is a very broad statement. What do they actually mean by “evil”? Do they mean suffering, natural disasters, abuse, war, terrorism, sickness, death, or something else?
Before you answer, help them become more Specific.
You might ask: “When you say evil, what do you mean by that?”
This question helps both of you understand the actual issue before you try to answer it. The goal is not to avoid their objection, but to understand it clearly.
Once you understand what they mean by evil — for example, if they mean terrorism — the best thing you can do is Turn the question back to them. When you turn the question back, you are helping them work through their own objection.
For example, you could say: “Why do you think people choose terrorism?”
This encourages them to think through their own question. In a subtle way, you are helping them see that evil, including terrorism, involves human choice, without immediately turning the conversation into a debate about God.
This approach takes pressure off you to have all the answers and helps them reflect on what they think the real problem is.
Even though Empathy is third in our acronym, it should be present in every part of the conversation. We are not trying to antagonize the other person or start a fight. An apologetic conversation does not have to be confrontational, even when it involves a clash of beliefs.
We lead with kindness, not argument, because in all things we are representing Jesus. Our goal is to win people for Christ, not win arguments about Christ.
Even if the other person is rude or strongly objects to your Christian point of view, you do not have to match their tone.
Every word you speak should carry humility and respect.
At some point in the conversation, their replies may begin to loop. They may keep saying the same thing in different ways. When that happens, turning the question back to them has probably gone as far as it can.
At that point, you want to gently Expand the focus of the conversation toward Jesus. Tell them something about Him and His mission. You might say: “Jesus tells us to love our neighbor and pray for our enemies. If we all took Him seriously, evil would have a lot less room to grow, don’t you think?”
You do not need to quote a string of verses or turn the conversation into a sermon. Instead, help them see who Jesus is, what He came to do, and why He is central to the question they are asking. The goal is to invite them to consider Christ’s character, His mission, and how He speaks directly into the issue they care about.
Now, once you have a specific question to work with, and you have turned the question back to them with empathy and love—while expanding the conversation to include Jesus—you are ready to Resolve the conversation.
Resolving is not about correcting, winning, or delivering the final knockout answer. It is about giving an account of the hope within you with gentleness and respect (1 Peter 3:15).
The goal is not always to answer their question directly, especially if you have already helped them think it through by turning the question back to them. Instead, the goal is to plant a seed they can carry with them and keep thinking about.
Planting a Seed
When we plant a seed, we are not looking for a mic-drop moment, and we are certainly not looking to crush our opponent or humiliate them. What we want to do is give them something to think about.
We do this because the best way for somebody to change their worldview is for them to wrestle with it themselves. When thoughts and cultures clash, the more you tell someone they are wrong, the more they will often double down on their position.
So, when it comes to the problem of evil, you might say:
“I think we all hate seeing people hurt each other. But maybe it’s not that God allows evil. Maybe it’s that people ignore His call to love. And if we loved as Jesus taught, would we even have evil, terrorism, or hate? What do you think?”
Asking “What do you think?” at the end matters because it keeps the conversation open. It shows you care about their view, while quietly leaving the question in their hands.
Closing the Conversation
How you end the conversation is very important. You want the last thing they think about when they walk away to be the seed you planted, not whether you seemed confrontational or arrogant.
When your conversation is guided by S.T.E.E.R — Specific, Turn, Empathy, Expand, Resolve — you might not see results right away, but you have still done something important.
You have not simply told them they are wrong. You have helped them think through their own questions, beliefs, and assumptions, and honestly, that is a huge achievement.
At every stage, you have shown interest in them and their thoughts. And in the end, you have simply offered a thoughtful question rooted in Christianity for them to consider. Show them Christ in how you act, and your words will carry more weight.
That is the goal of good apologetics, nothing more.
